Sleepless in 3rd Ward...

I wish I could sleep at night, but there's too much to be restless about sometimes. The good news is, in moments like these, my Pandora seems to want to keep me company, here are a few songs I'm listening to:

Save Me From Myself by Christina Aguilera
Photographs by Rihanna
The Only Exception by Paramore

Right now I'm debating on whether to try to sleep or to pull an all-nighter. The all nighter seems more likely since I have 2 poems due Tuesday and a bunch of stuff to do before my trip to Vegas this week. I figure I better get all these thoughts out now while I'm having them. Do you know I'm second-guessing my last post? Like, why do y'all need to know that much about my personal business? What if someone I know can identify the guys I'm talking about? What if the guys can identify themselves? The thing is, the point of writing here is to be transparent, and in my transparent state, I am beautiful. I'm kinda ashamed and embarrassed that I've had such bad interactions, but if I can help one girl recognize her value one man sooner, then I feel it's worth it! And people say that, they say if they touch one person it's worth it but they really want to reach masses. I really mean it when I say that if one person reading this is helped, then I really am happy. Women don't talk about these things enough. We suffer in silos instead of sharing with each other and becoming stronger. I'm going to share a quote I posted on Instagram and stop second-guessing how much I'm sharing.

Cold Turkey

Cold chicken is a delicious midnight snack. Cold turkey is a difficult life decision to cut someone out of your life. Some things don't need to fizzle out or die down, some things just have to stop. My relationship with D is one such thing.

When I was pseudo-dating Ray, it was over long before we parted ways. And in that time after it was over but we were still lingering, things just got uglier and uglier, until they got so ugly they plateaued. Ray is not what I would call a good person to me. To other people, maybe, but he was never good for me. Looking back on it, I wished I had seen the signs earlier.

Now unlike Ray, D was upfront with me in explaining that he couldn't give me a relationship. My mistake was in ignoring his warnings and continuing on with him. I used to wonder why God put Ray in my life and I really think it was to show me what I didn't want in a man. Likewise, I wondered about D, but D served a couple purposes: first, he helped me to finally get over Ray. He also helped me during a very difficult time of sickness in my life. He supported me and encouraged me and made me feel whole again. The issue was that he couldn't give me commitment. We tried every type - friends, professional, physical - all of it. None of it worked, so I wanted to cut ties with him. The problem with that was I'd get drunk or lonely or just miss him and send a text that I should have never even drafted. That started the ugliness, just like with Ray. Now I'm not comparing these situations, because each one is different, but only a dummy doesn't learn from their mistakes.

The grammar nazi in me must correct this to *your, but you get the point. It's true.

So here I am, going cold turkey. It's not easy. At first it wasn't even what I wanted. I was actually content with the fragmented, half-ass, disrespectful interactions I had with D. I just wanted to be desired. But being desired and being valued are two different things. And I want more. I'm worth more. And in case you're reading this, you are too. I'm not a dummy. And I'm pretty amazing, but it took 2 guys and 5 years to come to not only understand this about myself, but to put it into practice. The buck stops here though, before it gets too ugly to be recognizable. Pray for me.

At the Same Damn Time!

I was trying to reenergize myself with this blog. Give myself a project, a sounding board, a measure of my progress all in one. The problem is, I couldn't decide what to focus on. Should it be about healthier living? My poetry conquests? My lifestyle? This blog, like this particular post, is going to be about all of it at the same damn time.

End of March. Lots of milestones this month. For one, I'm transitioning careers. Leaving the world of oil and gags behind for greener pastures in communications, what I went to school for, where my heart is. I'm already feeling external pressures, the side eyes and snide comments, but I decided to take a leap of faith and I truly believe everything is going to work out. I'm ready to stop working jobs and start my CAREER.

Secondly, I made the slam team! I didn't realize I hadn't told you guys, but it has been a month since I posted. We've already started practices and I'm beyond excited about going to the National Poetry Slam in Atlanta this year. I like my team, I like how my writing is growing, and for me to have been so nervous about it, this is one risk that paid off. I think it was in God's divine plan to put these people in my life and give me these experiences.

Houston VIP Slam Team 2016

(the night of the Grand Slam, after making the team)

Next, the health kick has waned off. I did buy groceries every week for about 3 more weeks, but since I'm in between jobs now, shopping has been more conservative. What I'm doing instead is a 30-day workout challenge with one of my best friends, I'll post the rules to that separately in case anyone wants to join in, but I like it because it's realistic and I can keep up with the rules. As a matter of fact, let me just post them now. For 30 days:

No Soda
Drink half a gallon of water a day
Work out 3x a week for 30 minutes
Do 25 squats every time you use the restroom
Do a 1 min plank when you wake up in the morning and when you go to bed at night

Simple, right? And it's a really good way to ease into working out if you're not jazzed about it, which I'm not. I put fresh lemon in my water and I have a cute cup to encourage my daily drinking. I'm not up to half a gallon yet, but I have diligently followed the rest of the rules. We started the challenge on March 24, so I'll keep you guys posted on progress, and I'll post my workouts.

So as not to lose your attention and to emphasize what I want to talk about next, I'm going to make that a new post, but this is a recap on everything going on with me, I hope someone benefits from my period of transition. :-)

A Rich Shade of Blue

I have this station on Pandora called "A Rich Shade of Blue", I stole that from Class of 3000, this cartoon series by my fave, Andre3000. It's what most people would call a sad station, but what people consider sad music actually kinda soothes me.

I missed yoga tonight because I'm sad. I'm proud to report I did eat, but today is down because I'm way too far in my head. I have this amazing, talented group of friends and we're all just stuck about what to do next. I know one who wants to start a non-profit, one who has a novel idea, one is undoubtedly the next Whitney Houston, one who is going to chart history, one who could get you off if you murdered your mom (she's that good), I mean the list goes on, but I feel like none of us is quite where we want to be, especially me. I came to the realization that I know which career I want. I've always known, but somewhere in the past year I started suffering from analysis paralysis - where you are so busy trying to make a decision that you never actually make a decision, just stay stuck in the phase of options.

It's scary to be a millenial. And it's such a new feeling. I'm usually fearless. I'm not kidding, I'm so oblivious to fear sometimes you wonder if I have common sense, but I put my mind to something and get laser focus and get it done. But this is my life I'm trying to get done, so it's different. Our parents got a job and worked there until they retired whether they liked it or not, and they had a family and that was happiness. I refuse to settle for that idea. The whole world is open to me and I'm too scared to get out of bed. This weekend I have a poetry competition and I'm going to give it what I have and try to make a Houston slam team. I also have an idea for my next poetry video and the makings of a show I need to get going on.

So I'll try again tomorrow. I have been reminded from every angle that I have what it takes and God has a plan for me and I can do it, but I'm writing because I'm scared, and you might be scared too, and that's okay, but we both have to keep moving. Even if we have to go one hour at a time. I'll workout or read scripture or even just continue to listen to Pandora before this night is over and I'll get up tomorrow and the sun will be shining and I'll try again. I'll let you know how it goes.

Keep your expectations low...

Okay so here's the thing. I want to start a blog. But not one that's super popular because I don't know how dedicated I'll be to the blog. But I have a lot of stuff to say. Things millennials go through. Things that could be shared to help someone else. Things that could be shared to help my mental health. Things that could be shared period lol. So we're going to start today. I thought of starting a new blog, but I have sentimental ties to this one, so we'll just start here and see how this goes. And if I happen to help you, please let me know. It will encourage me to write more.