Cold Turkey

Cold chicken is a delicious midnight snack. Cold turkey is a difficult life decision to cut someone out of your life. Some things don't need to fizzle out or die down, some things just have to stop. My relationship with D is one such thing.

When I was pseudo-dating Ray, it was over long before we parted ways. And in that time after it was over but we were still lingering, things just got uglier and uglier, until they got so ugly they plateaued. Ray is not what I would call a good person to me. To other people, maybe, but he was never good for me. Looking back on it, I wished I had seen the signs earlier.

Now unlike Ray, D was upfront with me in explaining that he couldn't give me a relationship. My mistake was in ignoring his warnings and continuing on with him. I used to wonder why God put Ray in my life and I really think it was to show me what I didn't want in a man. Likewise, I wondered about D, but D served a couple purposes: first, he helped me to finally get over Ray. He also helped me during a very difficult time of sickness in my life. He supported me and encouraged me and made me feel whole again. The issue was that he couldn't give me commitment. We tried every type - friends, professional, physical - all of it. None of it worked, so I wanted to cut ties with him. The problem with that was I'd get drunk or lonely or just miss him and send a text that I should have never even drafted. That started the ugliness, just like with Ray. Now I'm not comparing these situations, because each one is different, but only a dummy doesn't learn from their mistakes.

The grammar nazi in me must correct this to *your, but you get the point. It's true.

So here I am, going cold turkey. It's not easy. At first it wasn't even what I wanted. I was actually content with the fragmented, half-ass, disrespectful interactions I had with D. I just wanted to be desired. But being desired and being valued are two different things. And I want more. I'm worth more. And in case you're reading this, you are too. I'm not a dummy. And I'm pretty amazing, but it took 2 guys and 5 years to come to not only understand this about myself, but to put it into practice. The buck stops here though, before it gets too ugly to be recognizable. Pray for me.