May the Bridges I Burn Light The Way...

I get it. Sometimes you can’t salvage a relationship. It’s just not going to happen, however in business and in life, sometimes you need to be the bigger, more professional person. For me, this lesson hit home last week. One of my personal flaws is that I get really excited about work that I love doing and if it’s not something I’m excited about, I will shirk tasks like nobody’s business. (They still get done, eventually.) One such instance of this happened recently and it could have damaged a relationship I had with a vendor. I wasn’t being lazy or rude, but I asked for working conditions to change and they didn’t, so I stopped working. My mistake here was that after having a conversation with him about the working conditions, instead of following up and letting him know my dissatisfaction and warning him that I was going to stop working, I just quit. At this point I could have just said “F*ck it” and I’ll find more work somewhere else (because I always will) but I was wrong and my gut was telling me to correct the situation. 

I called the vendor and apologized. I was very careful to only use “I” statements and not try to place blame, but to clarify my point of view and make sure that the both of us were getting the respect we felt we deserved. He respected my call and was very understanding and the relationship was right back on a positive note. It takes bravery sometimes to repair a bridge, but I’ve got plenty other light to use along my path. Is there a call you need to make? The worst thing that can happen is the situation stays the same. Check yourself and see if you need some #bridgerepair. Tweet me about it if you need a positive word before you make the call.

Also: Check out this link. I'm not going to preface it for you, you just gotta click. (I am excited!)

Careful what you pray for…

I prayed to God for discernment. Me and Trina prayed together for clarity. And literally a day later, I got exactly what we prayed for. I needed direction, I signed up to be a part of this project that seemed amazing and profitable, but when I really thought about it, the project didn’t align with my ultimate goals. I wasn’t excited about doing the work even though I knew I could do the work. And to top it off, I let this go on for weeks, when I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was off. That something was me. I really have a hard time telling people “no”, but in my new ventures I am learning to be more assertive. And also more decisive. When you know what you want and what you don’t, it’s easier to say simple words like “yes” and “no” and mean them.

In this case, I didn’t know what I wanted, so I was being swept up into what could have been a great opportunity for someone else, but it wasn’t right for me. Earlier this week I talked about how you should #doitafraid, and that includes turning offers down in order to get what you really want. Not everything that is presented to you will be for you. Not all money is good money, no matter what they tell you and not all deals are golden. Be discerning. And if you’re not sure how, my suggestion is literally to follow your gut and to pray about it. You can consult whoever you talk to at 2am, but at the end of they day, each one of us is truly in control of our own destiny. Make sure you’re doing what you love.

A Word on Consistency

So...a word on consistency. I have none regarding this blog. So let's catch you up on my life since my last post - essentially I spent the summer preparing for the National Poetry Slam, with my team, Houston VIP Slam. We went to the competition and finished as one of the top 15 teams in the nation out of 72 teams. A week of performing, consuming and being surrounded by art and artists. The whole process was exhilarating, tiring, amazing...I loved it.

Once I returned home from Georgia, I returned to wide open possibilities. I had to make a decision. I decided that I'm going to create my talk show. And I'm going to blog. I'm going to chase my dream of becoming a television personality with fervor. This is the path I've chosen. I'm not waiting on a chance, I'm gonna create my own. I'm not gonna lie, it's terrifying, but I've been told that if your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough. Today I'd like to encourage you to DO IT AFRAID. (Thanks Deep.) Bravery doesn't mean you're not afraid, it means you do it anyway. So do it anyway, no matter what it is. Text that girl, move to that place, start that thing, get a job you love. And if you want to tell me about it, tweet me using the hashtag #doitafraid.

Also, fun fact: My best friend started a show where we discuss movies called Talking to the Screen. We think it's pretty entertaining, you can listen to it here and tell us if we're right.

I'm going to write to you guys next Sunday, because a word on consistency: I need to have it.

What About Your Friends?

This month three different people asked me the same question, so I figured it was worthy of a post. "How do you feel about your friends supporting your art? Should they have to pay? How do you feel when they don't show up?"

I have been blessed with a GREAT circle of friends. Some were in my life for short bursts, but most of my friends have known me for over a decade. I consider them real, true friends. If you are any kind of artist, not only should your friends pay, they should be the first ones jumping up to support you behind your mama and your crazy cousin who yells the loudest in the audience (hey ReRe!). If your friends are not supporting you, then you may need to question your circle. You truly are like the five people you hang around the most. Now be realistic, not everyone is going to make it to every show, and you can't ask your friends for money every time you see them, but they should have a desire to see you be successful. All of my friends have supported me through attendance and finances at multiple shows, but keep in mind you have to be the same kind of friend you're asking for. I support them in all their endeavors however I can. A friendship should be symbiotic, meaning both parties should be giving and receiving.

As a matter of fact, I don't like to wear people out when it comes to my shows, because I have events weekly, but my friends actually get upset if I don't tell them information about what I'm going to be doing. They buy tickets, tell friends about my talents and more. When I think about it, I'm always going the extra mile for people I love, so I'm in equally yoked friendships. Other people will get excited about what you're excited about, so if you are excited about your achievements and your friends are excited for you, people will become interested in what you do. Not only when it comes to arts though, your friends should be supporting you in life. Look around and make sure that your "friends" deserve that title, and if they don't redefine the relationships in your life. This advice is easier given than followed, because we become comfortable with certain presences around us, but as you grow, you will outgrow people, too. And that's okay. You want quality around you and the truth is, sometimes the ties that bind just don't hold up anymore. If you have any doubt about what you're asking of your buddies, put yourself in their shoes. If one of you is Wyatt Earp, the other has to be Doc Holliday, otherwise that friendship already has a tombstone. (See what I did, there?) *milly rocks until next time*

Maybe we'll be butterflies

I think it's really funny when people meet me now, at this age and stage of my life. The recent perception seems to be that I'm a grand optimist, a girly girl who has it all together. I can understand why people think that, but I know their why is because that's what they see. The real why is because of what I've lived.

I've had enough pain in my past for multiple lifetimes, mental and physical. The Crohn's feels like one lifetime all on it's own, and surviving that has boosted my optimism considerably. I do think I'm a bright person, I like to see others happy, but I also know I have laid in my mother's arms and tried to will God to take me that night. I have used the restroom on myself in public places, not been able to bathe or lift my arms long enough to get a shirt over my head. I have been low. I have been in the darkest corners of my personality, I've seen myself want to give up. When you've been through a storm, a real storm, a little rain doesn't seem so bad. And the rain might be serious, causing a flood, but when you've been through worse, you find a way to handle it.

And not just the Crohn's, but life has tried me every year of my life, so to see me at 27 means you see a survivor. A girl who has decided that the sun is already under my umbrella, and there's nothing you can do about it. I still get upset, I still get confused, I still have challenges, but so far, for the most part I like the decisions I have made in life and where they have taken me. Speaking of which, I used to wear silver eyeliner in the ninth grade. I wanted to be more girly, I was always kinda tomboyish. I didn't dress like a guy, but I had on jeans and a sweater or a huge jacket everyday and I didn't care what anyone thought. I was warm and the clothes were functional.

As women, we wake up everyday and put this war paint on and go out into the world hoping to be respected and noticed and labeled human because we look good. I tried to fight it as long as I could, then I found joy in assimilating. I'm not a makeup queen. I still wear my sweater and jeans every chance I get, but you really do have to dress the part - so I'm learning how to wear makeup. I'm learning my best clothing combinations. I'm flattered that some people see me and think I'm a fashionista because bay-beh, I'm nowhere close, but I sure will slide under the radar!

I don't have it all together. This morning Reverend Cosby preached on living what we've learned, and that hit me, hard. It really is one thing to learn a lesson, and a totally different piece to apply what you've learned. I am trying to live what I have learned. No one knows your whole story but you. People who are meeting you at this age and stage in your life will see you as you are in front of them. They won't see the lifetimes before, the struggles and trials and joys and experiences that brought you to them. Smile at them. Smile at their perceptions and know that in a short while, maybe a lifetime's worth of moments, you'll be another person then, too.

Save the Drama for Yo Mama

I just realized this year, when my best friend said it to me, I like drama in a relationship. Having this realization made me wonder why, and the answer is I like drama because that's what I'm used to. I hadn't seen D in over a month and decided to text him that I missed him, because honestly, I missed him. I wasn't thinking about any of the negative things about him, I was thinking about my friend who I talked to about everything for months straight. I was thinking about being in the same room as him and feeling the pull between us. I was thinking about whether I should send that text, and before I could change my mind, I did.

That conversation ended in news that would separate us for good. His life changed in a way that I could never be a part of, and we could possibly still maintain a friendship, but I don't know how smart that would be, given the circumstances. I'm going to see him again, he's quite popular in Houston, but no one will ever know he and I had a chance, and that's the way I prefer it. What I discovered in contacting him again is that what God has for you will always be for you, and what is not for you will never be for you. D was not for me. He is meant to be someone's great man, knight in shining armor, someone's person like on Grey's Anatomy, but I'm not on the other side of that see-saw. I wonder if he hadn't dropped a bomb on me if we would have fallen back into the same destructive cycle we had been in. Instead, I'm thankful God stepped in. He knew I wasn't strong enough. He heard my prayers and answered me.

When he told me his news, the first thing I did was panic about how he might feel about it. I asked him if he was happy and when he told me he was, I genuinely felt relieved. Crazy, huh? That you can pray for someone who is preying on you. I do want him to live a happy life, just not with me anymore. The desire has disappeared, and I think that has opened my heart for the next guy. We may not realize it, but when we are subconsciously waiting on someone, when we have even the tiniest sliver of hope that someone will get their shit together for us, we aren't open to the love we deserve. I'm open now and ready to receive. It literally took an act of God, but what can I say? He loves me. He pulled me out of the drama, and I'm depending on God to show me what love really is.

The Days Are Swiftly Passing...

What a difference two weeks makes! First of all, my feature went swimmingly. Even got some really dope photos. It's always nerve-wracking when you have to grab a crowd's attention, but that quick hush that lets you know you have their attention is such a wonderful feeling. Hearing them relate to you is amazing. I really do love performing.

Also in the span of two weeks I started a part time job, attended a bridal shower for a really good friend, had a couple poetry performances, had a Cinco de Mayo celebration and was a bridesmaid for the first time ever! You gotta really love your bride because being in a wedding is more work than you think. But one of the things on my vision board and one of the things I'm working on is being more discerning in the tasks I take on and learning to say no to people. It's going well so far, but weddings and events can suck you in, quick!

The most important thing I did since I last wrote was also one of the bravest things I've ever done, I posted my ostomy on Instagram. I was really nervous, but the response was overwhelmingly positive! I even got to connect with other people who have Crohn's and I got to do something I've been wanting to do for a long time, which was to be accepting of myself in a public arena. It takes a lot to tell your truth to the world, but it was great for me. I am still looking at that photo days later and smiling that I did it. I had all this anxiety about it, but God worked it out. Do not worry about anything y'all, put it in His hands, and be pure of heart about it. It will be okay.